" Dear Journal,
I was writing our Christmas newsletter for family we don't see often enough a few weeks ago and realized how much our family has changed/accomplished in 2013. In about 2 weeks Sara will be 1 which obviously means that it's been an entire year since I went through labor and delivery. That was such an indescribably unbelievable event in my life and it feels like it happened yesterday and at the same time a decade ago. Time has flown and I think back to where we were last year, in Lufkin Texas and I was still working at Genco FCU and ready to pop. I remember going into work every day and everyone going, "aww... Sara hasn't come yet?" and how annoyed I felt. Not only because I wanted her to come, but that everyone was disappointed to see me there because that meant that I hadn't gone into labor yet. Everything was so up in the air and unpredictable and I just wanted it to be over because the thing I dreaded the most was the labor and delivery. I remember being scared of the real contractions and if I wanted to take the epidural and if we would make it to the hospital in time and if I would have to get an episiotomy and if there would be complications. I had a lot of fear but I didn't let myself think about it too much because then it would sink in and I would be miserable and sick with fear and worry. So I just put my trust in the Lord and in Jake and everything turned out alright.
I remember being pregnant with Sara when I moved from the State School Branch in Pollok, where I worked alone all by myself and wasn't that busy, and how jumpy Sara became when I was at the main branch in Lufkin and was running around a lot and there was so much noise and commotion. I described her as a sea monster because she was just rolling around in my belly and was just so jumpy. I remember driving home and feeling a little concerned, like she was confused and perhaps a little upset. I guess Jake was at work late or something and I drew a nice warm bubble bath. I put on some calming music and sunk into the tub and it just seemed to calm Sara down. She started moving less and it was like she fell asleep in the warmth of the water. I felt so relaxed and started thinking about how much my life affects hers. Since she was born I've noticed she is happy when I am and fussy when I am stressed. There have been a few times where I'm stressed out or upset and Sara will just seem impossible to handle. Then when I realize it and turn myself around she cheers up and it's so weird how that works. It has really taught me how big of an influence I am on Sara and that I am probably the biggest person she looks up to. I am her world. I am all she knows as a mother and a provider of her immediate physical and emotional needs. I have supplied her with mother's milk every single day since she was born and have rocked her to sleep countless times. I have wiped every runny nose and endured every cry in the middle of the night. I remember when she was maybe a month old actually counting the nights I had gone through all of putting her to bed every night only to be called in just as I'm falling asleep again. Countless prayers uttered that Heavenly Father would please please just let her to back to sleep, please just let this pass because I am finally so comfortable I can't even feel my body and I need sleep so badly. And sometimes she did go back to sleep, but most of the time she didn't and I had to force myself back out of bed to attend to her needs. I remember the morning my milk came in and how engorged I felt felt and nowadays since I'm weaning Sara I just don't feel like I did before and it's so weird that I miss that. It's the beautiful nostalgia of how quickly children grow up. It's so hard to savor every moment when it is so fleeting, to catch every giggle and to enjoy rather than endure a late night cry when the only thing she wants to do is curl up in your arms and let your warmth and steady breathing help her fall back asleep because she doesn't want to be alone. I can't believe how much my Heavenly Father has trusted me with this perfectly heavenly being that belongs to me. She has become my world, my every single day, my early mornings and late nights. She has become that stale crust of mucous on my jeans and the slobbery saliva on my face. I am defined by the baby fingernail scratches on my chest and jawbone and the laugh lines embedded into the corners of my eyes from never ending entertainment and the tiny shadows under my eyes from always trying to catch up on my sleep without converting her to co-sleeping. I have been the most depressed I have ever been in my life and the happiest I have ever known to be, all in one beautiful and incomparable year. I truly have come to understand my calling as a mother and how difficult and profoundly important it is. I remember being so excited the day we found out I was pregnant and in my first prayer following I thanked my Heavenly Father for this opportunity to raise one of His children. I will always remember that gratitude and I know I will always feel that way as our family continues to grow. "
Two things from outside sources I want to include... One is a quote that strikes me on many levels:
And this article that I have concluded is the wisest of all words: http://findingjoy.net/why-being-mom-is-enough/
And that's all I've got.
I'm ready to curl up with a book instead of think of more things to type.
My heart is full and I am happy.
And that is enough.
